Trying To Get Home

I have been seeking balance since before I could walk. I was born uneasy into this physical world. My preferences changed according to my surroundings. I was always just looking for something to hold onto. Some people are steady and sure and I could never figure out how and so regardless what they represented, I used to follow them. I could go from happy to sad in no time flat so there was no wonder why I just needed something to hold me still. Even if untrue and only for a moment…

I am still working at this same steadiness and the confidence that should come with. After much seeking and following, I have found something to grasp which goes to the bottom of the earth and beyond the end of time. It is too real to understand but I know it is valid so do not ask me why. It is as deep within me as anything could be and this is all that can ever really hold me. Now I have found myself in unchartered territory, in such a state I do not think I have ever been before. I am being pulled back by my limitations so fiercely and being coaxed forward so sweetly by all of the support in the material world one could dream of. I believe this is what happens to all of us when we start to really see that space within and the solidity of our Selves; it is tested. And I cry because I thought the world would see that I needed more time, that I absolutely was not ready to be of value in any real way. And then I rejoice and smile upwards because I am so very grateful for the blessings that have found me at last. Surely I am worthy because I never doubt the order, only myself. So here I am obviously evolving. Before I could change so many times in a day. Now I just feel it all at once…Fear, love, joy, despair, isolation, overwhelming connection…They happen just like that and I suppose only I can choose which to hang onto, which to hold in the mind and follow into action. I never knew I had these choices until now.

 It is not easy, getting deeper and deeper within yourself because you have to entirely let go of these phoney things you once held onto and begged for support. I know I was born brave so I should be able to do it. I also know that the deeper I get within my Self, the more steadily I will be able to navigate the push pull of this physical world until I can go home.